When children tend to ask repetitive “What If?” questions, they may run a little anxious. Anxiety is the brain’s way of thinking through what could go wrong in a situation, prompting us to prepare, and telling us to act. We are anxious when we cross the street because we need to look both ways first to remain safe. We are anxious about tests because we know studying is required to increase our chances of doing well. To resolve anxiety, we must embrace the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings long enough to create an effective plan of action. What we can’t do with anxious thoughts and feelings is distract ourselves from them because this causes them to increase.
Parents often dismiss or resolve their children’s anxious thoughts and feelings. This response is detrimental because it prevents children from building psychological resilience, which is the ability to adapt well in the face of adversity. If you take the time to sit with your children when they struggle with anxiety, encourage them to create a plan, and help them act, you are teaching them the skills they need to successfully address anxious thoughts and feelings.
Practical Tips for Anxious Moments:
1. Children are only able to emotionally regulate when the adults around them are regulated. Do not let your child’s anxious thoughts and feelings overwhelm you. Learn to stay in the moment and comfort yourself with self-compassion. For example, you may need to say to yourself, “My child is upset because math is very difficult for her. I am a great mother; she is a wonderful child; we are just having a hard moment.” If you cannot remain calm, give everyone a break and re-address the issue later.
2. The “big picture” goal is to help your children understand anxiety as a “warning sign” to prepare and act, but that is not where we start. The first step is for them to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. For example, if your son is frustrated that blocks are falling while he is building a tower, allow him to be frustrated and encourage him to keep trying. When you rush over to solve the problem for him or correct his frustration, you have inhibited his opportunity to learn frustration tolerance. Teaching your children to wait, take turns, lose well, etc., are other ways to teach frustration tolerance.
3. As your children mature, they begin learning to embrace discomfort, prepare, and act independently. You can help them through this process by encouraging them to think about the worst-case scenario and then work backward on how to prevent it.
4. As they enter their teenage years, encourage them to create a plan and then discuss it with you. If their plan is adequate, encourage them to execute it and then follow through and discuss what they can learn from the experience when similar problems arise in the future.
5. Make sure that you help your children focus on what is in their control. For example, praise them for how hard they study, not only “good” grades. Compliment the amount of time they practice for a sport more than their performance in the game. We want to help them live out the saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”
Dr. Beth Long received her education in Counseling Psychology from Chapman University. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Board Certified Behavior Analyst. Beth has worked in six unique clinical environments across the country and currently owns Works of Wonder Therapy in Montgomery. Beth utilizes the knowledge from a variety of different disciplines to give her patients the best care possible. To learn more visit www.worksofwondertherapy.com.
