When challenges like morning meltdowns, screen-time battles, or school refusal come up, it’s easy to jump into “fix-it” mode. After all, we’re the parents. But the most meaningful change usually starts with empathy, not a solution.
There are generally three parenting options when we address problems. The first is when we impose our will: “Because I said so.” While sometimes this approach is necessary for safety, it often leads to resistance and power struggles. The second is when we decide to let something go because it’s not worth the battle. The third is when we collaborate with our children. This approach is only effective when both sets of concerns are truly brought to the table.
I love teaching families this practical, three-step collaborative process that reduces power struggles and builds connection at the same time.
Step 1: Empathy (Your Child’s Concerns)
This is where many parents feel tempted to rush, but this step is the foundation. Your job is to listen until your child feels understood. You cannot fix, solve, or correct the narrative. Your role is to remain calm and listen.
When children are upset or defensive, their nervous systems are dysregulated. Here is the best approach to move a person from emotional to logical: Regulate: Happens when we provide empathy; Relate: Create a warm connection; and Reason: So the child can engage in a logical conversation.
If things escalate again, circle back to slow down and circle back to empathy. Reflect what you’re hearing. For example, “It sounds like mornings feel overwhelming.” When children feel genuinely heard, their bodies settle, and collaboration is possible.
Step 2: Share Concerns (Not Solutions)
Once your child feels understood, you gently share what’s on your mind. This is not the time to share your solution. You can only share your concerns.
Use “and,” not “but.” “But” erases what came before it. “I hear that mornings feel stressful for you, and I’m worried about how often we’re late to school.” Or, “I can see how much you enjoy gaming with friends, and I’m scared you’re feeling exhausted and overwhelmed lately.”
Focus on what you’re worried about instead of what you want them to do. This keeps the conversation open instead of defensive.
Step 3: Collaborate on Solutions
This is when you brainstorm together. Your child must be a co-author, not a bystander. Ask: “I wonder if there’s a way to make mornings easier and still get to school on time. Any ideas?”
You may be surprised. Often, when parents truly listen first, kids share many of the same worries we have. They don’t want constant conflict. They don’t enjoy feeling behind or overwhelmed. They want things to work, too.
Perhaps the most powerful reframe for parents is this: behavior reflects skill gaps, not character flaws. When a child struggles, it’s not because they’re lazy, manipulative, or disrespectful. It’s because the skills of emotional regulation, flexibility, and problem-solving are harder for them than we realize.
When we shift from control to collaboration, we teach lifelong skills. We model calm, we build trust, and we show our children that their voice matters. This is connected, courageous parenting that changes everything.
Dr. Beth Long received her education in Counseling Psychology from Chapman University. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Board Certified Behavior Analyst. Beth has worked in six unique clinical environments across the country and currently owns Works of Wonder Therapy in Montgomery. Beth utilizes the knowledge from a variety of different disciplines to give her patients the best care possible. To learn more visit www.worksofwondertherapy.com.
