When I was in college, one of my favorite courses was Nonverbal Communication because I learned that 55% of communication is body language, 38% is tone of voice, and only 7% is spoken words. This knowledge helped me fully understand that our communication with our children is far beyond words alone. Our tone, body language, timing, and emotional openness all matter. Here are some helpful principles to follow as you communicate in every way with your children.
Active Listening and Being Fully Present
Let your child know they have your full attention. That means stopping other activities, making eye contact, getting down to their level if needed, and listening without interrupting. When you reflect what they say, it shows you truly care about understanding them.
Empathy and Validation
All of us struggle with naming big emotions. As a parent, acknowledging your child’s feelings and becoming curious rather than dismissing them builds emotional safety. Over time, this helps children learn how to develop the ability to express emotions in a healthy manner.
Clarity
Give clear expectations rather than vague commands. When you need to correct behavior, discuss the behavior without shaming your child. For example: “I don’t like it when toys are left out,” rather than “You’re always messy.”
Consistency, Honesty, and Follow-Through. Trust is built over time when your words match your actions. If you promise to listen or respond, follow through. If you set expectations, enforce them consistently. When we send mixed messages like a harsh tone with kind words, we can cause frustration, confusion, and undermine the trust our children place in us.
Daily Practices to Improve Communication
- Create Regular Check-In Times: Bedtime, car rides, mealtimes, or before-school are great moments to ask open-ended questions like “What was the best/worst part of your day?” or “How did that make you feel?” by giving your child the time to communicate without competing for your attention.
- Notice the Good: Instead of a generic “Good job,” try “I noticed how carefully you put your toys away. I am so proud of how responsible you are becoming.” When we go out of our way to praise our children, we help shape positive behaviors.
- Respond with Calm and Empathy: If your child acts out, focus on the behavior, not the child’s identity. Stay calm, name feelings, and follow through on your expectations and boundaries. This keeps communication respectful and maintains their dignity.
- Model What You Want To See: Use “I” and “we” statements (“I feel worried when …” rather than “You always…”), be honest about your feelings in an age-appropriate way, and show your children that expressing emotions is normal and healthy. All emotions are welcome, but not all behavior is. A gentle tone, a hug, eye contact, or a calm posture can communicate empathy, love, and respect. The simple gift of our presence is often more powerful than a lecture. Children learn not only from what you say, but from how you show up for them and for others.
- Make Time for Fun: Some of the strongest bonds are formed in relaxed, joyful settings. Conversations during play or shared activities often flow more naturally than in “serious talk” mode.
My book, Beyond Words: The Art of Effectively Communicating with Your Children, is full of helpful tips like these and is available on Amazon at https://a.co/d/j8uhBPc
Dr. Beth Long received her education in Counseling Psychology from Chapman University. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Board Certified Behavior Analyst. Beth has worked in six unique clinical environments across the country and currently owns Works of Wonder Therapy in Montgomery. Beth utilizes the knowledge from a variety of different disciplines to give her patients the best care possible. To learn more visit www.worksofwondertherapy.com.
